i feel that i have taken too much. maybe i am getting too comfortable. i am becoming a person that i feared i will turn into. is it because things are getting on too well again and i just want to find trouble with it. is there a problem? why don't i just jump into the band wagon first. why am i thinking so much. am i afraid that i will make a wrong decision? i do not want to do it just out of obligation. but i kept convincing myself that i may really enjoy as long as there is you and i am happy. is that really true? tell me what is happiness. is it when u always have that someone with you? is it when people around you are happy. is it when u realised that u are totally selfless. it is when you have forgotten that what really matters most is not yourself? what is selflessness? is it difficult to attain that? i kept running away year after year to find answers only to be brought back to the same reason that made me left. i hope it will be different this year. but i want to go. fly to somewhere far away to work. but i felt held back. like unfinish business. there is an internal struggle within me. i kept saying and you kept brushing it aside. i felt like a naggy old lady and you kept thinking that i am just blabbering. sometimes i wonder if my actions speak louder than what i say. maybe they do for that period of time when i really decide to leave and for the time i am gone only. i will only know by the end of april.
